He Ain't Heavy, & He Ain't My Brother Either

This holiday hype has me steaming hot and bothered. While the western world celebrates the birth of the Messiah, I wonder just what's been saved.

The schmuck has been passing himself off as my kin folk for 2000 years now, and no one has noticed that the world is in an even more miserable state than before he came around--not to say that he bears sole responsibility for the declining state of affairs.

His version of salvation works something like "Trust me, when it's all over, you'll see that everything works out just fine." Well, that might be good enough for more gullible folk, but I think I'll wait to see some credentials before signing on.

Savior! I mean, Oy, imagine where Israel would be if we were counting on him for saving! Turn the other cheek! We'd not only have to tear down the road blocks, but cover the cost of bringing in the bombers and the dynamite that they strap to their chest.

Maybe if these gullible goys would try on a Festival of Lights of their own, they'd finally be able to read the writing on the wall, and the lies in between the lines.

High Power Fuel

A recent field study conducted by the NYC chapter of the Young and Liberated Women’s Association (YALWA) has concluded that when ingested at a steady and moderate rate, alcohol actually ENHANCES your sense of empowerment.

Beginning with one glass of wine at 7:00, sip a cosmopolitan while you wait for them to have your table ready for 8:00. Over a light meal, enjoy two glasses of wine, followed by one fortified desert coffee. By this point, a full stomach has kept you from outright delinquency, while the poisons have begun to erode your inhibition just enough to suppress your insecurities and apprehensions, but nothing else.

In other words, your wits are not only about you, but at their height. As long as your intake for the rest of the night is moderated to a pace that won’t further compromise your inhibitions, the playing field will be progressively slanted in your favor.

The men about you are likely to become more and more intoxicated, and as you stay ahead of them, it should be relatively easy to manipulate those prospects you find appealing into a subservient position, while evading and fending off whatever unwelcome advances arise.

The study notes, however, that any further intake should constitute some righteous cocktail in itself. After dinner, in other words, women should stick with wine, or switch to a consistent cocktail, and avoid shooters if they want to enjoy their elevated sense of empowerment.


Yuletide Media Conspiracy

So, if there’s so much of a Jewish media conspiracy, then how come it is, that at this time of year, there’s so much gentile holiday propaganda? Hanukah might not be a high holiday, but if the Jewish media conspiracy is so busy straddling the gentile races with guilt, shame, & insecurity, how come anywhere you turn the dial this time of year, you’re bombarded with Christmas carols and TV Special?

Have you ever heard of a The Muppet’s Hanukah Special, or Garfield’s Festival of Lights?

Granted, our favorite WB writer, Josh Schwartz, brought Christmaska from the Cohen house and into our own, and the famous funnyman and his sidekick inaugurated Festivas. But those just cheap adaptations ‘inspired on by a true story. Even the plot of the Hebrew Hammer revolves around a character from gentile folklore.

THEIR Messiah might have been born this time of year, but OUR people solved the energy crisis for eight days. Hint: stop using trees for décor. Given today’s ecological climate, that should at least merit an annual primetime spot with Ed Bradley.